Here's a list of my Favorite Seinfeld Quotes
"I don't return fruit. Fruit is a gamble. I know that going in."
- Jerry, in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
"I may not look like a Murphy, but I act like a Murphy."
- Jerry, in "The Limo"
I can't run. I have a bad hamstring."
"How'd that happen?"
"I hurt it in a hotel room. You know the way they tuck the covers in real tight in those hotel rooms? I can't sleep like that, so I tried to kick it out and I pulled it."
- George and Jerry, in "The Limo"
"She needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. She needs a little Kramer."
- Kramer, in "The Library"
"Let me tell you something, funny boy... You know that little stamp? The one that says New York Public Library? Well, that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole helluva lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before -- flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking... Why's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me.... Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. What about that kid, sitting down, opening a book right now in a branch of the local library and finding pictures of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat and The Five Chinese Brothers. Doesn't he deserve better? Look, if you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped. Or maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld... Maybe that's how you get your kicks... You and your goodtime buddies... I've got a flash for you, joy boy. Partytime is over."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
Marlene: I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
Jerry: You're a cashier!
- “The Ex-Girlfriend”
Mr. Benes: We had a funny guy with us in Korea. Tailgunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific... There's nothing funny about that.
- “The Jacket”
Jerry: It reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
- “The Library”
Kramer: Spector gave it to me. He's giving everything away... becoming a minimalist.
George: Is that the guy who likes fat women?
Jerry: Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?
- “The Tape”
Kramer: These pretzels are making me thirsty!
- “The Alternate Side”
Jerry: I don't understand. Do you have my reservation?
Car Rental Assistant: We have your reservation, we just ran out of cars.
Jerry: But the reservation keeps the car here, that's why you have the reservation.
Car Rental Assistant: I think I know why we have reservations.
Jerry: I don't think you do. You see, you know how to TAKE the reservation, you just don't know how to HOLD the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them.
- “The Alternate Side”
"What kind of a shake does he have?"
"Good shake. Perfect shake. Single pump, not too hard. You know, doesn't
have to prove anything, but, you know, firm enough to know he was there."
- George and Jerry, talking about Keith Hernandez, in "The Boyfriend"
"Someday, before I die, mark my words... I'm gonna tell that woman exactly what I think of her. I'll never be able to forgive myself until I do."
"And if you do?"
"I still won't be able to forgive myself, but at least it won't be about this."
- George and Jerry, in "The Baby Shower"
"The sea was angry that day my friends, like an old man trying to send back soup in a deli"
- George in "The Marine Biologist"
"I work at Vandelay industries"
- George in "The Boyfriend"
"Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?"
"I like to get the Daily News."
- Kramer and George, in "The Keys"
"Up here, I'm already gone."
- Kramer, in "The Keys"
"Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on."
- George, in "The Parking Spot"
"You don't understand. A garage... I can't even pull in there. It's like going to a prostitute. Why should I pay, when if I apply myself, maybe I could get it for free?"
- George, looking for a parking spot, in "The Parking Spot"
"I might have a whole new career here."
"You mean a career."
- Kramer and Jerry, in "The Alternate Side"
Jerry: DeSoto? What did he do?
George: Discovered the Mississippi.
Jerry: Oh, yeah, like they wouldn't have found that anyway.
- Jerry and George in "The Boyfriend"
“You know, when you read Moby Dick the second time Ahab and the whale become good friends.” – Jerry in "The Ex-Girlfriend"
"I sense great vulnerability. A man-child crying out for love. An innocent orphan in the post-modern world."
"I see a parasite. A sexually depraved miscreant who is seeking only to gratify his basest and most immediate urges."
"His struggle is man's struggle. He lifts my spirit."
"He is a loathesome, offensive brute. Yet I can't look away."
- An elderly couple, admiring the painting of Kramer, in "The Letter"
"You're a very bad man, Jerry Seinfeld! Very, very bad!"
- Babu in "The Visa"
Jerry: Oh you're crazy.
Kramer: Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?
Jerry: It's impossible.
Kramer: Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?
Jerry: It can't be.
Kramer: Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?
Jerry: Alright, that's enough.
- Jerry and Kramer in "The Stall"
Jerry: "So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?"
Kramer: "It's just a write off for them."
Jerry: "How is it a write off?"
Kramer: "They just write it off."
Jerry: "Write it off what?"
Kramer: "Jerry all these big companies they write off everything."
Jerry: "You don't even know what a write off is."
Kramer: "Do you?"
Jerry: "No I don't."
Kramer: "But they do and they are the ones writing it off."
Jerry: "I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back"
- Kramer and Jerry in "The Package"
George: I'm Costanza, Lord of the Idiots.
Party Host: [To marathon runners] You're all winners!
George: But suddenly, a new contender emerges.
- "The Apartment"
"I'm not happy."
"Me neither. I've never been happy."
"I mean I'm happy sometimes, but not now."
- Jerry and George, in "The Note"
"Cats run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat. Ran away. Showed up three years later. You never know. They've got things in their brains where they remember where they're from. Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding him. See, that's what you've gotta worry about."
- Kramer, in "The Busboy"
"Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?"
- George, after sleeping with the cleaning woman, in "The Red Dot"
"The Dewey Decimal System... What a scam that was!"
- Kramer, in "The Library"
"You'd better not screw up again, Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pitbull on a poodle."
- Lt. Bookman, in "The Library"
"Listen to this. Marcy comes over and she tells me that her ex-boyfriend was over late last night and 'yada yada yada I'm really tired today.' You don't think she'd yada yada sex?"
"I've yada yada'd sex."
"Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again."
"But you yada yada'd over the best part."
"No, I mentioned the bisque."
- George, Elaine, and Jerry, in "The Yada Yada"
"For fifty bucks? I'd put my face in their soup and blow!"
- George in "The Chinese Restaurant"
"Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all laid out for me."
- Elaine, to Jerry, in "The Cheever Letters"
"Jerry, Joe Davola. I have a hair on my tongue. Can't get it off. You know how much I hate that? Of course you do. You put it there. I know what you said about me, Seinfeld. I know you badmouthed me to the execs at NBC. Put the kibosh on my deal. Now I'm gonna put the kibosh on you. You know I've kiboshed before. And I will kibosh again."
- Crazy Joe Davola, leaving a message on Jerry's answering machine, in "The Opera"
"You'll be out before we get the check!"
- Jerry, to Kramer, who wants in on "The Contest"
"Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
- Jerry, denying that he is gay, but not wanting to be seen as anti-gay, in "The Outing"
"Ya know, there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war!"
- George, in "The Outing"
Jerry: I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.
- "The Phone Message"
"It's like a sauna in here."
- Kramer, sitting in a sauna, in "The Implants"