"The Library"
Probably my favorite Seinfeld episode, so I'll start with this to review.
I think the biggest reason that this is my favorite is because of Lt. Bookman, who I consider the be probably the best character ever on the show, at least outside of the Big 4. I had a very good laugh at each of his lines, just because of the way he said them. And the coat thing. Oh my, what a character!
The whole storyline itself is very humorous. Jerry gets a call from the library that he has an overdue book from 1971. At first he is positive that he returned the book, but then we learn that George dropped it in gym class and it was taken by the gym teacher, who called George "Cantstandya."
The other storyline is Kramer putting the moves on the Marion the librarian. This is very funny, especially when he reads her poetry and cries, only the poetry actually sucks. But that's ok.
So what do you get with a great storyline, the best character ever, and some great lines? One of, if not the best episode ever.
Favorite Quotes from "The Library"
KRAMER: "The Dewey Decimal System - what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal."
KRAMER: "Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. Spinster. ..Maybe a virgin.. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy - It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. (Warming up to the idea) She needs a little Kramer."
JERRY: "Yeah, and then she'll need a little shot of penicillin."
KRAMER: "Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later." (Turns to the librarian) "So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card?"
This is long, but this is probably my favorite scene ever, so here it is:
JERRY: (Enters his home to find Mr. Bookman waiting for him) "Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?"
BOOKMAN: "You got any coffee?"
JERRY: "Coffee?"
BOOKMAN: "Yeah. Coffee."
JERRY: "No, I don't drink coffee."
BOOKMAN: "Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?"
JERRY: "No, I don't have.."
BOOKMAN: (Cutting him off) "You don't have any instant coffee?"
JERRY: "Well, I don't normally.."
BOOKMAN: "Who doesn't have instant coffee?"
JERRY: "I don't."
BOOKMAN: "You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then, later on, when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried.. Freeze-dried Crystals."
JERRY: "Really? I'll have to remember that."
BOOKMAN: "You took this book out in 1971."
JERRY: "Yes, and I returned it in 1971."
BOOKMAN: "Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job.. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella."
JERRY: "Look, Mr. Bookman. I-I returned that book. I remember it very specifically."
BOOKMAN: "You're a comedian, you make people laugh."
JERRY: "I try."
BOOKMAN: "You think this is all a big joke, don't you?"
JERRY: "No, I don't."
BOOKMAN: "I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name - from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you? That you're above the law?"
JERRY: "Certainly not."
BOOKMAN: "Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, 'What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books?' Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! (Pauses) Or, maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies.. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!"
BOOKMAN: "I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life.. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?"
JERRY: "Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.."
BOOKMAN: "Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?"
JERRY: "What is your problem?"
BOOKMAN: "What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle."
Seinfeld Episodes
I think the biggest reason that this is my favorite is because of Lt. Bookman, who I consider the be probably the best character ever on the show, at least outside of the Big 4. I had a very good laugh at each of his lines, just because of the way he said them. And the coat thing. Oh my, what a character!
The whole storyline itself is very humorous. Jerry gets a call from the library that he has an overdue book from 1971. At first he is positive that he returned the book, but then we learn that George dropped it in gym class and it was taken by the gym teacher, who called George "Cantstandya."
The other storyline is Kramer putting the moves on the Marion the librarian. This is very funny, especially when he reads her poetry and cries, only the poetry actually sucks. But that's ok.
So what do you get with a great storyline, the best character ever, and some great lines? One of, if not the best episode ever.
Favorite Quotes from "The Library"
KRAMER: "The Dewey Decimal System - what a scam that was. Boy that Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal."
KRAMER: "Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship.. Spinster. ..Maybe a virgin.. Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She was a schoolgirl. There was a boy - It didn't work out. Now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. (Warming up to the idea) She needs a little Kramer."
JERRY: "Yeah, and then she'll need a little shot of penicillin."
KRAMER: "Hey, uh, I'll see you boys later." (Turns to the librarian) "So uh, what's a guy got to do around here to get a library card?"
This is long, but this is probably my favorite scene ever, so here it is:
JERRY: (Enters his home to find Mr. Bookman waiting for him) "Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?"
BOOKMAN: "You got any coffee?"
JERRY: "Coffee?"
BOOKMAN: "Yeah. Coffee."
JERRY: "No, I don't drink coffee."
BOOKMAN: "Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?"
JERRY: "No, I don't have.."
BOOKMAN: (Cutting him off) "You don't have any instant coffee?"
JERRY: "Well, I don't normally.."
BOOKMAN: "Who doesn't have instant coffee?"
JERRY: "I don't."
BOOKMAN: "You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then, later on, when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried.. Freeze-dried Crystals."
JERRY: "Really? I'll have to remember that."
BOOKMAN: "You took this book out in 1971."
JERRY: "Yes, and I returned it in 1971."
BOOKMAN: "Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job.. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don't judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella."
JERRY: "Look, Mr. Bookman. I-I returned that book. I remember it very specifically."
BOOKMAN: "You're a comedian, you make people laugh."
JERRY: "I try."
BOOKMAN: "You think this is all a big joke, don't you?"
JERRY: "No, I don't."
BOOKMAN: "I saw you on T.V. once; I remembered your name - from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity that somehow the law doesn't apply to you? That you're above the law?"
JERRY: "Certainly not."
BOOKMAN: "Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y'know that little stamp, the one that says "New York Public Library"? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I've seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, 'What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books?' Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn't HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you'd better think again. This is about that kid's right to read a book without getting his mind warped! (Pauses) Or, maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that's how y'get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies.. Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y'got seven days, Seinfeld. That is one week!"
BOOKMAN: "I remember when the librarian was a much older woman: Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life.. We didn't want to know anything about her private life. She didn't have a private life. While you're thinking about that, think about this: The library closes at five o'clock, no exceptions. This is your final warning. Got that, kewpie-doll?"
JERRY: "Anyway, I hope there's no hard feelings.."
BOOKMAN: "Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Y'ever have a man die in your arms? Y'ever kill somebody?"
JERRY: "What is your problem?"
BOOKMAN: "What's my problem? Punks like you, that's my problem. And you better not screw up again Seinfeld, because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle."
Seinfeld Episodes
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